Lee Lofland

Author Interview: Lee Lofland

In the popular television series, Castle, a well-known mystery writer Rick Castle connives his way onto a New York homicide team run by a beautiful and tough detective, Kate Beckett. Romantic tension vies with gritty homicides as these two opposites solve one murder after another. As usual, drama and story take precedent over police procedures and investigations and no one is called to task. Right?

Wrong.

Lee Lofland and his popular blog, The Graveyard Shift, cast a critical eye on the sometimes unrealistic police procedures in Castle and other televisions series when story gets in the way of facts. Lee points out the good and the bad. He uses these reviews to teach mystery writers the difference between reality and Hollywood’s perception of reality. Here is an example from one Castle episode:

 “A pretend spy is shot five times in the chest. His body is discovered lying on its back in a small creek-type body of water. The queen of Voodoo Medicine, Lanie Parish, says the wounds are all through-and-through’s, meaning all the bullet holes had exit wounds. Well, how the heck could she possibly know this without rolling the guy over to examine the places where the rounds were likely to have left the body? She couldn’t have done that because the guy’s arms were stretched out straight to each side like he’d been attempting to take flight at the precise moment he was killed. Besides, the front of his clothes were dry, as were his face and hair.” (excerpt of The Graveyard Shift last May of the last Castle episode of the season).

Lee’s blog is just one tool he uses to help mystery writers. In 2008, his book Police Procedural and Investigation: A Guide for Writers hit the shelves with good reviews and became a Mystery Readers International nominee for the 2008 Macavity Award. Well-known  writers—New York Times bestselling authors Tess Gerritsen, Jeffery Deaver, and J.A. Jance—praised Lee’s hands-on book as “a masterpiece” (Deaver), “this book belongs in the library of every crime writer” (Gerritsen), and “ … is an invaluable tool for writers of mystery fiction” (Jance).

Another writer’s tool can be found in Lee’s toolbox with the help of other cops and authors. Next month a number of mystery writers will be traveling to Jamestown, N.C. for the 2010 Writer’s Police Academy. That’s right.  A police academy for writers.

Lee is all about helping writers make their story authentic as well as entertaining.

MARK:  Lee, last week we learned a little about your police experience. Today, readers learned how you’ve use this experiences to help writers. Tell us a little more about these services and how you got started.

LEE: Actually, I don't provide a service. At least not in the business sense of the terminology. I simply help fellow writers with their police, CSI, and forensics research. This all started several years ago when a friend asked me to speak to her writers' critique group. It was an informal session at a book store, but one of the members just happened to be the director for a large writers conference. So...one thing led to another and here we are. Besides, that's what writers do. Either we make it, or we sink. But we're basically a team, so there's always somebody paddling. It's just my turn at the oars.

MARK: How did The Graveyard Shift blog come to be? Why the name? What were you trying to create?

LEE: A while back I suddenly began receiving an overwhelming number of questions from people, all at the same time, and all about the same subjects. And week after week I found myself writing the same answers over and over again. Eventually, I started a file so I could simply copy and paste my answers just to save a little time. But the questions really began to roll in, and the more times I spoke at conferences and other events the more the questions piled up in my inbox. At one point, I was finding an average of 1,000 emails every single morning. Yes, that's one-thousand.

I soon learned that it was sometimes easier to send a photo along with a brief reply (a picture is worth a thousand words, right?). The images saved me a ton of time. People could see a Taser, or a PR-24, which greatly reduced the number of words I had to type. But I was still receiving that crazy amount of emails each day. That's when it hit me to combine pictures and text and post them together in a central location where everybody could see everything at once. So I started the blog, and it has been a huge success. In the beginning it saved me all kinds of time. Not so anymore. Now I'm spending more time on the blog than I did answering all those original emails. And I'm still receiving the messages. But I really enjoy it. And it keeps me on my toes. So please keep them coming!

The name of the blog was a no-brainer. When I started the GYS I was writing it late at night (the only time I had to do it). Besides, I like to do my creative writing at night. So The Graveyard Shift it was. Oddly, I've always despised working midnight shifts. So there's a bit of irony there, I suppose.

Also, since I normally write the blog when I'm very sleepy it's always full of errors. I tried to proofread in the beginning, but I just couldn't keep my eyes open, so I quit. Therefore, what you see everyday is a first draft, and it's been kind of fun to do it this way. Sometimes the errors are hilarious. But I figured I'd better start doing a little editing since some pretty important people read the thing. However, one day someone wrote me a really nasty note about a mistake he/she read in an article. I mean the note rambled on and on about what a lowlife hack I was, and that I had no business writing blogs, books, articles...etc, etc. Well, that single email drove the nail in the editing coffin. Nevermore would I put a red pen to my blog. It is what it is and that's the reason why. And it's fun. So any mistakes you see, please blame them on the persun hoo hates my writting and the meestakes I mak.

MARK: What do you find to be the most common chasm between reality and fiction for writers? Is it a lack of understanding of police procedure at crime scenes? Officer safety issues? Discrepancies between actual police and Hollywood’s version procedures (i.e. officer-involved shootings)?

LEE: For the most part, writers try very hard to get things right. They research. They attend conferences. Participate in ride-a-longs with police officers. They email their questions to experts. They attend citizens’ academies. And some have even tackled the FBI's citizen academy. I know they try, and they try hard. However, and I hear this all the time, the problems begin when they send their work to an editor, or to their agents.

It seems that many editors (and agents) use TV as their primary source for police information. And, sadly, many simply refuse to budge from that stance. As a result, they tell their authors to change what they've written to match some silly thing they'd seen in a CSI repeat. So, to help out, I've offered my services (for free) to many agents and editors, but not a single one has taken me up on the offer. Not one. Funny thing, my own editor questioned me on a couple of points when she was going through my book on police procedure. She even called me one morning and said, "Are you sure that's right? That's not how they did it on Law and Order last night." Grrr...

MARK: Tell us about this Writer’s Police Academy. How did you come up with the idea? What can writers expect to gain from this academy? How many writers’ academies have you taught?

LEE: The Writers' Police Academy idea came to me a few years ago while speaking at a Sisters In Crime event called Forensic University. My good friend, ATF Special Agent Rick McMahan, and I were chatting after the workshops and sort of knocked around the idea of putting together a similar event, but one that was more of a hands-on cop-type thing. And the more I thought about it, the more I liked the idea. After all, there's no better way to learn about cops than to train like cops, right? So I talked it over with a few well-known authors and they loved the idea.

The idea was the easy part. The hard part was finding a location that was realistic and would let me bring 100's of eager writers along for the ride. The venue also had to accommodate police equipment, like cars and guns and snarling, barking and biting dogs. So I turned to a police chief who'd generously provided some information for my book. I sat down in his office and laid out my thoughts. He was on board in a matter of seconds. He said he'd love to contribute if it would help writers stop making the mistakes he'd read so often in mystery and crime novels. Then I approached some friends in the same area who run a superb writers conference. They agreed to let me piggy-back the academy in conjunction with their event.

Next, I visited the local prosecutor, a defense attorney, and the coroner. The conference director made some calls. Police officers volunteered to speak. And, well, you get the idea. The snowball was rolling and there was no stopping it. My next calls were to Rick McMahan, literary agent/former CHP officer Verna Dreisbach, Mike Black, and Lt,.Dave Swords. I called each of them because they're writers with lots of law enforcement experience under their belts. And that's the combination I wanted to teach other writers about our world. Long story short...the event was a huge success. Which brings us to the extravaganza we're putting on this year. And it's a whopper, especially when compared to the earlier event. We're offering everything from arrest techniques and FATS training to jail searches and firefighting. And nearly every workshop is a hands-on workshop. Attendees will be training just like real cops (within reason). Certainly no one be expected to perform any physical training. Everything is designed especially for writers. And our keynote speaker is international bestselling author Jeffery Deaver. Also in the lineup is Jonathan Hayes, a senior medical examiner from New York City. Jonathan is a wonderful writer who also enjoys international success.

Rounding out our team of instructors are actual police academy instructors, fire academy instructors, EMS instructors, crime lab instructors, sheriff's deputies, police officers, and highway patrol officers from North Carolina. We also plan to include someone from Secret Service. And, we even have a singer/songwriter who'll entertain everyone during the Friday night reception. This event is a one of a kind event. There is nothing else like it anywhere!

MARK: Do you have to be an Arnold Schwarzenegger to survive this academy or can anyone attend?

LEE: Not at all. We've made sure each workshop can be safely attended by anyone and everyone.

MARK: What kind of feedback have you received from surviving alumni of the academy?

LEE: I believe this young woman's comment sums it up quite nicely. She wrote me a day after last year's event to say, "I had a BLAST at the conference! It was a dream come true."

MARK: Writer’s Digest published your book Police Procedural and Investigation: A Guide for Writers in 2008. How can writers use this book to improve their writing?

LEE: I combined 20+ years of experience, a lot of help from a lot of friends and family(check out the acknowledgement pages), advice and information from top experts, and then applied it all to the questions I'd been hearing writers ask. Then I crammed it all between two covers. Seriously, almost everything in that book was based on something a writer had asked me.

MARK:  Aside from services you provide for writers, what other sources of information are available to mystery writers? For example, would you advise them to make contact with other police on the job for information?

LEE: Definitely. I always advise writers to contact the agencies within the area where their stories are set. No two departments operate in the same way. Laws are different and procedures vary. You and I can offer generic information, but when it comes down to the differences in west coast policing and east coast policing...well, there are many. Shoot, there are plenty of differences from one county to the next.

MARK: What kind of writing have you pursued since leaving law enforcement? Where do you want to go with your own writing?

LEE: I've been very eclectic—nonfiction, a childrens book that hasn't been released yet, the blog, newspapers, magazines, etc. But, my passion is fiction, and I'm finally finishing up a thriller. I expect to have the rewrites complete very soon. My agent is very excited about the book, which sounds promising. We'll soon see just how promising.

MARK: What is a normal writing day for you? Up at dawn and work until midnight?

LEE: I'm up at 6:30 to make sure all is well with the blog. Sometimes I see a headline or interesting subject and write the blog article of the day at that time. Then I answer the onslaught of email questions which takes a couple of hours. Next is business—Writers' Police Academy, meetings, etc. By now it's lunch time, or later, and I normally grab a quick bite while standing at the kitchen counter. After lunch it's time for the Honey-Do list and other chores, like lawn mowing or other meetings, etc. I'm back in front of the computer by late afternoon and finish up around 5 p.m. It is now time for a glass of wine and quality time with my wife. I normally cook dinner, so I take care of that while she watches TV or attends to work-related business on her laptop. We eat, relax for a bit, have dessert, watch a little TV (maybe), and then it's bed time, for her. But for me, it's usually time to go back to work, which I do until 2 or 3 a.m. I like to do my creative writing late a night when the house is totally quiet. Nothing but ticking clocks and creaking boards. No street noises. And no interruptions. I usually sleep for only 3 or 4 hours each night. I guess I'm afraid I'll miss something important. Even when I do finally slide beneath the sheets, I usually read for a while.

MARK:  Can we expect any other books in the near future?

LEE: I certainly hope so.

MARK: Among many novelists you’ve read, can you name a few who come close to the real thing in terms of police procedures and crime scene investigations? Which authors stand out in your mind?

LEE:  There are several, but to name a few—Michael Connelly, Elmore Leonard, Judy (J.A. Jance), Joseph Wambaugh, and Jeffery Deaver. They stand out in the crowd, but there are many more. Too many to list, like everyone who's attending the Writers' Police Academy. Those writers go the extra mile to get it right.

MARK: What books are on your shelf to read in the near future?

LEE: I do have a stack. Let's see, I'm currently reading a Michael Connelly book. Just finished an Elmore Leonard book. Re-read Adventures of Huckleberry Finn a few days ago (Why? Who knows?). And waiting in the wings is a James Lee Burke (I'm a fan) and a Jonathan Kellerman.

MARK: Any last words of advice for struggling mystery writers?

LEE: Write something every day. No excuses why you couldn't.

Read something every day. No excuses why you didn't.

More information about Lee Lofland is available at his website at http://www.leelofland.com/books.html or his blog, The Graveyard Shift at http://www.leelofland.com/wordpress/.

Lee Lofland

Memories: Police Work Through A Rear View Mirror 

What does police work, mystery writers, and television have in common?

Lee Lofland.

After a lengthy career tracking down bad guys, Lee Lofland uses these experiences to help struggling writers as they try to fictionalize crime scenes, investigations, and police work. Well-known authors—New York Times bestselling authors Tess Gerritsen, Jeffery Deaver, and J.A. Jance, to list a few—praise Lee’s hands-on book, Police Procedural and Investigation: A Guide for Writers. His popular blog, The Graveyard Shift, turns a critical eye toward popular television shows as a learning tool for writers, allowing these authors a police perspective on such topics as prisons, police investigations, forensic evidence and court testimony.

This week we’ll find out about Lee’s police background and his wide variety of experiences in law enforcement. Today’s topics will include investigations, gun battles, and working inside prisons.

Next week, Lee tells about his services to mystery writers, his own writing career, and his recent creation—a police academy for writers. Ever wanted to know what it was like to be in a shooting situation? Lee and his academy thrust writers into realistic situations in which they must decide whether to shoot/don’t shoot in a split second. The academy offers writers a broad spectrum of law enforcement training—FATS (Firearms Training Simulator), homicide investigation, fingerprinting, SWAT operations, high-risk traffic stops and other police operations.

MARK: Lee, our mutual experiences in law enforcement have been separated by a land mass of about three thousand miles. You served on the East Coast while I worked in sunny California. What are similarities between agencies east and west? What are the differences, if any?

LEE: Let's just go with each location has their own way of dealing with both officers and criminals. Neither has the upper hand on the other. They're just different. But their goals are identical...to protect and serve.

MARK: Give us a thumbnail sketch of your police career? Where did you start? Where did you end up before pulling the pin?

LEE: I actually started out in the Virginia prison system as a corrections officer. During those tough years (prison guards really earn their money) I think I spent some time in nearly every aspect of security, from youthful offender to adult maximum security. I even spent some time doing inmate transport. One of the more odd assignments in those days was going out on manhunts for escapees who somehow managed to scale a fence or hide inside a garbage truck for a free ticket to paradise. You know, there's a certain air of mystique and danger when standing in a wooded area, alone in total darkness, knowing a desperate murderer is lurking nearby. The sound of anxious, baying bloodhounds approaching is something that's hard to forget, and I'm not sure I ever will.

Anyway, I left state corrections to work for a county sheriff's office. I went there as a jailer, but my goal was to move into police work, or as we called it, "going on the road." I did make that transition about six months later. From there I was recruited by a police department and started there as a patrol officer working rotating shifts. I had a goal in mind when I made this move. I wanted a spot as a detective.

So, time and hundreds of traffic tickets passed by until I saw an opening for a canine officer. I jumped at the chance since I'd always been fascinated with police dogs. I was accepted and within a few weeks I found myself at the Virginia State Police Academy. And I loved every second I was associated with my dogs and the Virginia State Police. The VSP is a top of the line organization.

Later, I turned in the uniforms and dog leashes and became an investigator (we weren't called detectives at the time) which is where I ended that whole ugly mess of 20+ years of playing cops and robbers. No, seriously, I enjoyed every day of it, but I'd never do it again, unless someone told me I had to choose between teaching school or fighting crime. Shootouts are much safer than dealing with a room full of high-schoolers!

MARK: What led you to make a career in law enforcement?

LEE: As a kid I admired police officers. All of them. I simply thought they were the best thing going and that was what I wanted to be. Well, one my friends in high school had an older brother who was in the police academy, and when he came home from his basic training he told us all about the shooting, the crime scene classes, and the defensive tactics and driving. That did it for me. I was totally hooked. So I began applying the moment I became eligible. Ironically, my friend's older brother and I worked as partners for a very brief time.

MARK: What caused you to leave law enforcement?

LEE: Leaving was a really tough decision for me. To stop doing what you love, and I did love it, is always hard. Unfortunately, the decision was sort of made for me. I was involved in a pretty intense shootout with a bank robber who truly had a death wish—suicide-by-cop would probably be the best description. Ultimately, I had no choice but to shoot the guy, and he died. There were 68 rounds fired during the exchange (five from me, with four fatal), so it was obvious he wasn't giving up, even though I practically begged him to. Anyway, the event took its toll on me, which was really quite surprising since I taught officer survival in the academy, as well as firearms and defensive tactics. Hell, it was I who taught other cops how to be tough. And, it was I who was normally called upon to kick in a door, or to pull a non-compliant suspect through a car window. I was the first guy through the door during a drug raid, and I was first guy to wade into a fight with weapons. And I've got the scars to prove it.

So, to have this shooting affect me the way this one did totally caught me off guard. Sure, I got over it. Time took care of it. Time, and a whole lot of support from my wife and family.  Could I pull the trigger again, if necessary? No problem. That's what cops—past and present—do, right?

Anyway, I pulled the stopper from the drain about a year after the shooting. No regrets, but I miss it every single day. I especially miss the camaraderie.

MARK:  In looking back over your career, can you single out one or two assignments that you found most interesting and challenging? What made them memorable?

LEE: I certainly enjoyed the time I spent working undercover narcotics, but I really liked the puzzle-solving aspect of investigating crimes, such as homicide and other major felonies. Helping to provide closure to a family, or a spouse, made the effort worthwhile.

MARK: Your background material mentions an encounter with an armed bank robber and a subsequent medal of valor you received. Tell us about this incident and what you faced?

LEE: I guess I jumped the gun (sorry for the pun) and answered part of this in an earlier question. But I'll address the Award For Valor by saying receiving it has both good and bad points. The good is obvious. It's the highest award given in police work, and what an honor it was to have it placed into my hands. I'll never forget that moment. In fact, the plaque is hanging about four feet from me as I type this response. I'm that proud of it.

The bad side to the award is that I killed someone to get it. That's also something I'll never forget.

MARK: What flashes through an officer’s mind when confronted with an armed suspect … besides the thought that this job doesn’t pay enough?

LEE: You know, nothing flashed through my mind other than the safety of the people around me and stopping the threat. There was no fear at all. No hesitation. And I think that speaks for excellent training. I did exactly as I was trained, which is what every officer does. Nothing less. Now, ask me about the moments after the shooting stopped? Talk about an odd feeling...

MARK:  You witnessed the execution of a serial killer, a murderer that novelist Patricia Cornwell based her best-selling novel, Postmortem, upon. Tell us about this case which led to the killer’s execution. Why were you there?

LEE: No, I wasn't a part of the investigation. The case was actually in a neighboring jurisdiction. But I'm in contact with some people who were involved. Hopefully, I'll have their stories on my blog very soon.

Timothy Spencer (The Southside Strangler) was living in a halfway house (he'd been recently released from prison) when he committed the brutal murders of five Virginia women. He often checked out of the facility for justifiable reasons—work, religious functions, etc., and while out, he stalked and killed each of his victim's.

Oddly, a man named David Vasquez was seen in the area of the last murder and was arrested for the crime. Vasquez was mentally handicapped and confessed to the murders, basically saying yes to whatever questions the investigators presented to him. Well, one detective, Joe Horgas, had that all-too-familiar feeling in his gut that good cops seem to be blessed with, and felt that Vasquez was the wrong guy. So, Horgas continued investigating, like a bulldog. He was familiar with Tim Spencer and knew of his old B&E habits and methods of entry. He knew deep down that that Spencer was his man. Not Vasquez. In short, Horgas obtained DNA samples and arrested and convicted Spencer for the murders. Vasquez, however, served about five years in prison before being released and exonerated.

I was one of the last people on earth to make eye contact with Spencer, which occurred moments before the switch was pulled. He expressed no remorse for his deeds. However, if it's any consolation to the families of his victims, Spencer did indeed die a very violent death.

MARK:  Your law enforcement career began as an officer in Virginia’s prison system. I believe one of the shortcomings of current law enforcement training is the ability to put new officers in close encounters with the criminal element in a controlled environment. Some of these new officers have never been in a fight in their life and they seemed ill-equipped to face hardened criminals. Prisons and jails are good training grounds. What did you learn working in prisons that helped throughout your police career?

LEE: That everyone can be dangerous, and to trust no one, at first. No exceptions. I have a scar on the side of my head from a stab wound that's a nice reminder that I'd let my guard down. Oh, and when you must enter into a fight, do so with every intention of coming out as a winner. Any hesitation could be fatal. And, one more thing...treat everyone fairly, as human beings. Never ever treat anyone other than how you'd like to be treated. I even addressed inmates as Sir, or Ma'am, and it paid off. I was once cornered by several prisoners who had some very ill intentions. Since I was alone in the pod I had no immediate backup. But, and much to my extreme joy, a handful of huge, burly inmates came to my aid. The leader of that pack said to his much smaller peers, "If you f... with Officer Lofland, you're f...ing with us." Needless to say, the punks backed down. That was a humbling experience, knowing that showing a little respect for someone probably saved me from being on the receiving end of a lot of knuckle sandwiches, or worse. They may have even prevented an escape attempt. Who knows?

MARK: In the movies, television, or novels, police are often depicted chasing after serial killers, driving in high-speed chases, or pulling out a weapon to shoot someone. In real-life law enforcement rarely experiences these situations on a regular basis. In your opinion, Lee, would you agree that traffic stops and domestic violence cases are two of the most dangerous calls a patrol officer might face? Why are they so dangerous?

LEE: You hit the top two nails squarely on their respective heads and they're both extremely dangerous. That's why it sort of surprises me to have heard many people over the years complain about officers who rest their hands on their weapons during traffic stops. They argue that it's intimidating to see an officer do that. Well, I invite those people to walk up to an idling car with dark-tinted windows in the middle of a moonless night on a deserted country road. Add a thumping radio, movement inside the car (you can't see people, just a car shaking a bit because someone is moving around inside), and a driver who hasn't rolled down the window. Remember, those officers don't have a clue about what's going on inside that car. Is the driver or a passenger wanted? Have they just committed a crime? Desperate to get away from a murder they just committed? A dead body in the car? Does the driver have a gun aimed at the officer as he stands beside the car? Gearing up for a suicide by cop?

There are tons of gut-wrenching scenarios that go through the minds of officers, but they face the possibilities head on and take care of business.

Intimidating to see an officer's hand resting on his pistol...yeah, right.

Police work is a dangerous job. Don't believe it? Then visit my blog on Fridays to read about the officers who were killed during the week while conducting traffic stops, or while answering domestic calls, during shootouts, while pulling people from burning buildings, from stab wounds, auto accidents, while responding to save a life, from injuries received from assaults...and the list goes on and on and on.

We're headed toward seeing the largest number of officers killed in the line of duty in a single year. 2010 has definitely not been kind to police officers. For example, a Mississippi sheriff was killed just last night (7-22-10) when he attempted to place stop strips in front of a suspect's car. A day earlier injuries claimed the life of a young deputy sheriff who'd been involved in a vehicle accident while responding to help another deputy. Two days prior to that, a Chicago officer died in a gun battle when a group of thugs tried to take his car at gunpoint. I guess it's safe to say that all calls are dangerous.

MARK: Is there one character in your past—an old sergeant, seasoned patrolman, or grizzled investigator—that stands out in your mind? Someone that would make a great character in a novel?

LEE: It takes all kinds of people to round out a good police department, and it takes a variety of nuts to fill up the jails. Therefore, what better characters for a novel than a combination of each—a mixed bag of cops for a protagonist and a stew pot full of bad guys to build a villain. I may have even gone a step further in the thriller I'm currently completing by adding some traits from a few ex-bosses to get a really evil and sadistic bad guy.

MARK: What is the most comical situation you every faced in law enforcement?

LEE: I've seen many and I've been in many. And I was recently asked this same question a few days ago and this was the story I shared (and it sort of ties in with the danger of traffic stops):

The event unfolded on a boring graveyard shift. I'd already answered the usual he-said she-said calls, locked up the usual drunks, and broken up the usual Friday night fights. It was time for a break, so I was on my way to an all-night restaurant to rendezvous with the other sleepy officers who were stuck with working midnights.

I pulled out onto an interstate highway and immediately got behind a beat up old jalopy. Soon, the bucket of bolts began to weave from lane-to-lane. Then the driver slowed to a near crawl. Then he sped up. Faster and faster. Brake lights. And back to the snail's pace. Yep, a classic drunk driver and I had to get him off the road before he killed someone. So I called dispatch to let them know my location and that I was stopping a car. Then I gave them the plate numbers and reached for the switches to activate my lights and siren. There would be no breakfast for me. Processing a drunk driver could take two or three hours, if you hurry.

Well, things immediately went downhill.

When I first got behind the car I saw one head, the driver's. When I turned on the blue lights a second head suddenly popped up, from left to right—a passenger who'd been leaning over with their head in the driver's lap. Needless to say, I didn't need to consult the detective's handbook to figure out this little puzzle.

And as soon as I flipped the light switch the driver immediately braked, turned on his right turn signal, and pulled to the shoulder. Quickly, snappy, and abrupt. Definitely not a drunk.

I pulled over behind the car, angling mine in the classic felony-stop position. You never know what to expect during the weirdo hours of 10 p.m. to 2 a.m. That's the time when the "crazies" come out to play.

The car sat idling in front of mine, like a tired old beast with little puffs of steam spouting from dual exhaust pipes. I was pretty sure I knew what had been distracting the driver, therefore my assessment of the offense had changed from drunk driver to hanky-panky.

Still, for my safety, I decided to approach the car from the passenger side, so I turned on my takedown lights (I was still in uniform working patrol at the time) and aimed the spotlight at their rear view mirror so they couldn't see me as I walked up.

I got out of my car, dreading and embarrassed about what I knew I would find when I looked inside the car.

No moon. No stars. High, thick humidity. Crickets chirping and frogs burping in the area just behind where the brightness of my lights turned to black on the shoulder of the road. The music in the old Ford was pumping steady and hard enough to rattle the car's cheap hubcaps. No other vehicles on the road. Darkness as far as the eye could see behind me. In front of me, the jalopy's round headlamps cut through the night with two pale yellow beams. A Stephen King setting if there ever was one. I reminded myself to never again read Christine before going to work at night.

I walked up to the passenger's window and couldn't believe my eyes. I was speechless, which is not something that usually happens to me.

The driver, a rail-thin book-wormish sort of guy, was wearing a Department of Corrections uniform (he was a prison guard) and the passenger, a very chubby man with more than his share of man boobs and body hair, was wearing only his birthday suit. Yep, he was completely nude.

And his right wrist was securely handcuffed to the door. Both men sat staring at the driver's window, waiting for me appear. A tent-size copy of the driver's prison guard uniform lay crumpled on the back seat.

I used my flashlight to tap on the passenger's window. Startled, both men jumped and turned to face me. The naked guy used his free hand to roll down the glass. The driver leaned forward so he could see around the mountain of bare flesh seated between us.

"Is there a problem officer?" said the driver, with a perfectly straight and somber face.

I was absolutely stunned. "You're asking me if there's a problem?" I asked. "Let's see, for starters..."

Anyway, I'll spare you the details of the conversation, but I will say that their explanation was centered around love and the only way they could spend any quality time together was after work, in a car. I guess their wives probably wouldn't let them play with handcuffs at home. Yep, they were each married, and to a woman who was at home waiting for her darling husband to come home after a hard day at work.

This was probably not the weirdest situation I've ever seen. But it was definitely one that'll never leave the place in my mind where gross images are stored.

MARK:  Do you still miss the work?

LEE: Every day. Would I do it again tomorrow? No way. It's a lot safer writing about it than living it.

MARK: Do you ever wonder whether all your hard work and sacrifice ever made a difference?

LEE: I hope so, and I can think of several instances that I'm extremely proud of. Of course, there are some goofy moments, too. But overall, I think I did okay.

MARK: Lastly, what is one word of advice you’d give a new officer just starting out today?

LEE: Wear your vest. Don't let the job consume you. Train, train, train, even if it's at your expense on your own time. Take time for family. Spend every spare moment with your kids. Finally...re-think your career choice.

Oh, you wanted all that in one word. Okay, here it is:

Survive!

More information about Lee Lofland can be found at his website at http://www.leelofland.com/books.html or his blog, The Graveyard Shift at http://www.leelofland.com/wordpress/.